|Face of the Earth
||[Jan. 31st, 2005|06:34 pm]
|||||Adina Howard ::T Shirt and Panties::||]|
I've fallen off the face of the planet somewhat, but I'm back again. I feel like I've been vacant for the past two years nearly, just sitting here and feeding myself with circumstance and situations which have shaped me into whom I've become. I accept responsibility, however. Ok, so I took a slight detour, but everything and everyone I have encountered has only added to my journey. I am on the next plateau of my journey because tomorrow is the first day of school at the Academy. It took me this long to FINALLY get it together enough to get back into school. Though, I hardly feel like I have it together. I kind of doubt many people really ever do. I've had a spell of bad bad bad endings to relationships over the past year or so. All I am concentrating on right now is being happy and I'm trying harder than ever to not do things that will hurt others and that hurt myself. It's difficult for me to do such a thing, because I'm more or less a slave to instant gratification. I've just decided that if I can overcome this weakness in myself, everyone will be a lot happier in the long run. And, the long run....well, who knows how that will work out, I'm just focusing on living as stress and drama-free as possible right now. Day-to-day. I've met someone absolutely completely amazing. If this was the first person that I ever fell in love with, it'd really just be over for me, but I'm bitter and I have a wall which nobody can overcome within me. I want so badly to have that fresh, curious, scared feeling of being in love. That feeling when your whole body rushes with happiness, when your life is a high, and you don't require substance. That clean, innocent, exploratory feeling. But, I think that only happens once, unfortunately. Only one person ever will ever have made me feel that way. I think that my hesitance is largely stemming from my theory that all of these feelings eventually fade. I have no concept of committment. When the sparkle becomes dim, I leave. I feel selfish often. Because I think I am. And I still hold a lot of guilt inside. I'm trying to let it go, chalk it up to being young and stupid and careless, but somehow I can't stop feeling emotionless, as well. I know inside my heart, that I can try and forget....I know that I'll never really ever forget what happened, but I need to push it away from me because it no longer exists. It's the hardest thing in the entire world to come to terms with something that does not exist. I guess I've felt kind of dead in the past year or so. Completely and utterly dead. I was not ready to LIVE again. Living just feels awkward and wrong. I'm scared that I feel this way. Maybe it's a sign that I was living for someone else, though. Maybe I've just been born again.
When I see my life from someone else's perspective, I see someone who has an amazing Victorian apartment in San Francisco, someone who is finally in an art school studying interior architecture, someone who has a stable job, a beautiful and amazing and talented girlfriend, someone who has a lot to offer the world, someone who has a lot of love to give still, someone who is merely beginning again.... I need to not let the endings of the past destroy beginnings of the future or else I'll never be alive again.