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Holly Lynne

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butterscotch love [Feb. 3rd, 2005|08:35 pm]
Holly Lynne
[Current Mood |tiredtired]

today was so fabulous. I woke up bright and early and ran to the store and got things to make breakfast. it's strange how different it feels in the sunlight when you're with someone that you only see at night. it feels better in the sunlight, i think. i felt very sober and very exposed. sadly enough, i am rarely sober with this person. i am rarely sober at night. i am rarely sober. guh. i now have a new work schedule, 12-9 PM, so that I can go to class in the mornings. Tomorrow, I have a new class--conceptual design. Yay! It's the same professor as my other class, Materials (for architecture)
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beer down the hatch. [Feb. 1st, 2005|07:42 pm]
Holly Lynne
[Current Mood |drunkdrunk]
[Current Music |Beth Orton ::Anywhere remix::]

I had my first day of class today. I really enjoyed it, except the part where I had to get up at 6 am. Right now, I'm just sitting here at work on my ass and drinking beer....talking to Adie who tells me that he wrote her an email. I wonder what he said to her. What is there to say to her? She was my friend, my whatever. I don't know what to believe. She asks if I have an interest in what he said to her...of course, I have an interest. I had an interest for 6 years in every word that he spoke. He's moving back to Raleigh, she told me. Anyhow, I really hope he goes back to Raleigh. He likes it there. We were once happy there, too. Maybe every other place is what ruined it. i dunno. i'm just drunk and tired right now.
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Face of the Earth [Jan. 31st, 2005|06:34 pm]
Holly Lynne
[Current Mood |accomplishedaccomplished]
[Current Music |Adina Howard ::T Shirt and Panties::]

I've fallen off the face of the planet somewhat, but I'm back again. I feel like I've been vacant for the past two years nearly, just sitting here and feeding myself with circumstance and situations which have shaped me into whom I've become. I accept responsibility, however. Ok, so I took a slight detour, but everything and everyone I have encountered has only added to my journey. I am on the next plateau of my journey because tomorrow is the first day of school at the Academy. It took me this long to FINALLY get it together enough to get back into school. Though, I hardly feel like I have it together. I kind of doubt many people really ever do. I've had a spell of bad bad bad endings to relationships over the past year or so. All I am concentrating on right now is being happy and I'm trying harder than ever to not do things that will hurt others and that hurt myself. It's difficult for me to do such a thing, because I'm more or less a slave to instant gratification. I've just decided that if I can overcome this weakness in myself, everyone will be a lot happier in the long run. And, the long run....well, who knows how that will work out, I'm just focusing on living as stress and drama-free as possible right now. Day-to-day. I've met someone absolutely completely amazing. If this was the first person that I ever fell in love with, it'd really just be over for me, but I'm bitter and I have a wall which nobody can overcome within me. I want so badly to have that fresh, curious, scared feeling of being in love. That feeling when your whole body rushes with happiness, when your life is a high, and you don't require substance. That clean, innocent, exploratory feeling. But, I think that only happens once, unfortunately. Only one person ever will ever have made me feel that way. I think that my hesitance is largely stemming from my theory that all of these feelings eventually fade. I have no concept of committment. When the sparkle becomes dim, I leave. I feel selfish often. Because I think I am. And I still hold a lot of guilt inside. I'm trying to let it go, chalk it up to being young and stupid and careless, but somehow I can't stop feeling emotionless, as well. I know inside my heart, that I can try and forget....I know that I'll never really ever forget what happened, but I need to push it away from me because it no longer exists. It's the hardest thing in the entire world to come to terms with something that does not exist. I guess I've felt kind of dead in the past year or so. Completely and utterly dead. I was not ready to LIVE again. Living just feels awkward and wrong. I'm scared that I feel this way. Maybe it's a sign that I was living for someone else, though. Maybe I've just been born again.
When I see my life from someone else's perspective, I see someone who has an amazing Victorian apartment in San Francisco, someone who is finally in an art school studying interior architecture, someone who has a stable job, a beautiful and amazing and talented girlfriend, someone who has a lot to offer the world, someone who has a lot of love to give still, someone who is merely beginning again.... I need to not let the endings of the past destroy beginnings of the future or else I'll never be alive again.
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(no subject) [Sep. 23rd, 2004|04:14 pm]
Holly Lynne
[Current Music |Lucinda Williams ::Over Time::]

so, to balance the feelings I've had lately, I've decided that it's probably best that I make whatever changes in my life that I can make....just to make things different from how they are right now. changing=escapism. haha. So, I know that I can't change what happened, but I'm definitely going to change how I feel about things. The first thing that I can change is my excercise regimine. Right now, I don't have one. Haha. So, the first thing that I'm going to do tomorrow is....bah dum dum...workout! Yup, that's right. I'm dragging Ben and we're gonna be at the gym at exactly 8 am. I guess I'll have to take a shower there or something. Though, they have tanning beds and a steam room and sauna...kind of like an adult playground, so maybe I'll have to take advantage of those amenities, as well. :D I'm really looking forward to going. I keep thinking about that summer that I worked out every single day with Nadja, and I remember how great I felt about myself, how my body changed, and how much more energy I had. I also remember the nurse at school asking me if I worked out because all of my phys stats were so incredible. Yes, it is definitely time to get back into the swing aerobically. It doesn't seem like I'd even have the time to go to the gym, and I don't have a friend here who would motivate me like Nadja did, but I'll just have to do it. If I go once, I know that I will be hooked, and I know that it will be really good for me to go.
Also, I'm changing my diet. I've already started. Though, whenever I have trouble deciding on a diet, I get this idea into my head that I am going to diet, and then I just don't eat until I decide which diet I should do. Right now, I've just been drinking about 10 glasses of water a day, eating a lot of apples and bananas, and salads at lunch, and then a salad for dinner....and some trail mix. Oh yea, and I ate smores the other night. they were good. that is all.
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resting on eggshells. [Sep. 22nd, 2004|03:32 pm]
Holly Lynne
[Current Mood |numbnumb]
[Current Music |Lucinda Williams ::Those Three Days::]

I haven't been writing in here lately. I'm honestly concerned about posting again....it's been months since I posted anything substantial and public. I know who reads my journal, and I don't want my entries to hurt anyone.

I've been trying so hard to heal. Apparently, the only state that I can obtain through healing seems to be numbness. I guess it's better than before. Sort of. I want so badly to be able to feel again, as I did before, but this is what I'm carrying around and maybe it's my punishment for destroying a marriage. I feel like I'm living on eggshells, dodging and avoiding any thoughts that hurt inside. I don't know how to deal with these thoughts. They haunt me. I feel like I'm healing, but not dealing...and I feel like my wounds are going to heal with huge scars. I'm mostly disconnected from myself. How could anyone want to connect to themselves after what happened? I feel so fucking alone in the world. With as many loved ones as I have, and this life that I'm floating through....it's all just that, floating.

I've been taking each day at a time, trying to take care of myself, trying to not think too much, feel too much, say too much. I haven't been talking about what happened to anyone because I can't talk about it. Sometimes I feel so alone that I don't understand the point of it all.

I've realized that as life goes on, we become not only more physically fragile, but our hearts are also more fragile.....after they are beaten down time and time again. hearts become calloused and harder...it makes loving again the most difficult thing in the world.

Writing this down into my journal is making me physically sick, but I need an outlet into which i can purge all of my pain.

I don't know what is best....to avoid all music reminding me of what happened, all thoughts, all pictures....I can't even function as a normal human being like this. I'm just sitting here on eggshells, waiting for the surface beneath me to crack again. If it gives, I'll be gone forever. So, until it becomes stronger, or breaks, I'll be sitting here waiting to heal, waiting for the feeling to return in my heart.

Where is god?
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(no subject) [Sep. 6th, 2004|10:40 am]
Holly Lynne
Popular interests among pinkpaperdolls's friends
1. photography (6) 11. radiohead (3)
2. art (6) 12. guitar (3)
3. music (5) 13. coldplay (3)
4. love (4) 14. coffee (3)
5. kissing (3) 15. cheese (3)
6. poetry (3) 16. black (3)
7. san francisco (3) 17. tool (3)
8. sex (3) 18. concerts (3)
9. piano (3) 19. singing (2)
10. academy of art college (3) 20. frank sinatra (2)
Interests gestalt
My most interesting friend is ericoona who has 14 of these interests,
followed by aloofcombative (9), ueanniebanannie (8) and zimbach (8).
Normality Index
My friends are 59.26% normal.
Analyze me !
Username:
Popular interests created by _imran_


erica...you're the most interesting?? wtf?? haha ;) MUAH
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Uh. Whoa. [Sep. 1st, 2004|10:38 am]
Holly Lynne
[Current Mood |sleepysleepy]

eXpressive: 7/10
Practical: 4/10
Physical: 7/10
Giver: 4/10


You are a XSYT--Expressive Sentimental Physical Taker. This makes you a Firebrand.

You are volatile, sexy and sexually driven. You're magnetic and fascinating, but you don't really enjoy playing the field -- it makes you nervous and preys on your insecurites. But when you fall for someone you fall hard.

You tend to over-analyze things, so the slightest comment or action from your significant other can send you into a tailspin. You crave attention and validation from your loved ones, so if your friends don't like your partner or your partner doesn't like your friends it makes you suffer. Unfortunately the two are often in conflict -- you have excellent insight with your friends, but in a relationship you are blind. Trust your friends!

You blow hot and cold, with big highs and big lows. This makes the bad times very bad but the good times very good, so you tend to stay in a problem relationship much longer than you should. But when a relationship fails, you hold a grudge. That's not necessarily a bad thing, but make sure your grudge doesn't cloud your vision the other way!

What would help you most in your relationships is confidence. You need someone who can help you feel good about yourself and not worse.

You can be needy and jealous. Fortunately you are cute as hell.

Of the 37607 people who have taken this quiz, 5.9 % are this type.

http://hokev.brinkster.net/quiz/default.asp?quiz=Better+Relationship&page=1

WTF? this quiz is genius.
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(no subject) [Aug. 6th, 2004|02:36 pm]
Holly Lynne
Your Fabulous Wedding by muted_prophecy
Username
Your intendedfcreloaded
Conducting the weddingmagdalenemirage
Guest of HonourUsher
Number Attending172
Type of ceremonyTropical with lots of fire and a smoldering pig
Best giftWashing machine
Objects to the weddingaxsydentpr1
Result of objectionIt was just a really stupid joke, so you continue with the wedding
Starts a scandalzimbach
ScandalYour intended is actually cheating on you with the person conducting!
OutcomeAnnulment after five hours for "irreconcilable differences"
Quiz created with MemeGen!
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getting used to. [May. 31st, 2004|03:16 pm]
Holly Lynne
tangled inside the loss of you
I grasp for anything
resembling the truth
but I slip and I fall
and every hour I'm getting used to
losing it all
the day you came
the months I shattered
you were screaming my name
kicking up sand when I left you alone
and now I'm getting used to the ghostly echo
of your voice on the phone
to feel the touch of you
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(no subject) [May. 18th, 2004|03:27 pm]
Holly Lynne

Which Rock Chick Are You?
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